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Even shockingly bad cars like the FSO Polonez Prima could be found looking like a dog’s dinner with body colour coded spoilers and wheels looking about as appealing as a dropped trifle.

But to end another nostalic ramble, I recall hearing a tale about someone who owned a dealer edition Rover Metro who ran into the back of a stationary car at some speed.

Who remembers the stunning Vauxhall Cavalier Calibre though? Even the Soviets were in on the act with the Lada Niva Cossack – yes, it was a production model but converted from the normal bitterly crude standard model in a big tin shed on the North Yorkshire coast.

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It just goes to show how gullible car buyers used to be.

Dealers would stop at nothing or use any topical event to sling on a set of wheel covers, bedeck the car with some side stripes, take an air saw to the roof, and fit a radio/cassette deck that would eventually munch and destroy any half decent album for your listening pleasure.

While the Metro suffered a similar plethora of sometimes pointless models like the Sport, Moritz, Principles, Red Hot, Jet Black and Advantage, for example. The ones to really grind my gears were the dealers’ own special editions.

Only today I saw a Ford Escort Sundance – but, strangely, it seemed to be nothing other than a Popular Plus with a sunroof.

Oddly though, I liked the car for it’s snazzy looking Cibie Iode 35 driving lamps in the grille, a rev counter, twin tone horns, 165/13 tyres, electric clock, Sundym tinted glass, rear armrest, push button Radiomobile MW/LW wireless and lamps in the glovebox and boot.

How I never fainted being overcome with the standard equipment levels in 1978, to this day I’ll never know.

Allow to cool and fit a brown vinyl roof – – one limited edition.

Looking back, it was dreadful, the fake wood on the dash and glovebox was about as convincing as your average Elvis tribute act and the striped nylon seats were as pleasing on the eye as staring at the sun!

No serious injuries were sustained, but a rear seat passenger was almost knocked out by an aftermarket pod speaker that came away from the parcel shelf – part of the Metro’s exclusive additional equipment so I was told! Upon leaving school, Mike was destined to work on the Railway but cars were his first love.

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